Deny yourself, take up your cross...

To end this segment on listening I want take one more swing at the selfishness topic.  It’s fitting right now since I just got done talking about pride.  And pride – the destructive kind the Bible talks about – is generally rooted in selfishness. 

Author and conference speaker Paul Tripp says the issues usually identified as sources of marital discord are simply locations where a deeper problem reveals itself.  And that deeper problem is selfishness. 

All of the barriers to communication I’ve discussed to this point can be overcome.  I’ve even talked about some ways to overcome them.  But while techniques to improve listening skills may be simple, they are not easy.  They require change.  Change takes effort, effort doing something that is contrary to our inclinations.  To do something contrary to our inclination takes self-discipline.  In Biblical language that’s “dying to self” (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23).  To die to self we can’t be selfish.

If this sounds too hard, I encourage you to think about the following statistics:

• The rate of child abuse in single parent households is nearly twice the rate of child abuse in two parent households.
• 7.4 percent of children who live with one parent have been sexually abused, vs 4.2 percent of children who live with both biological parents.
• In one study 62-68% of men and 68% of women confessed to being unfaithful.
• Same study: about 40% of Christian couples have had infidelity by time they are 40.

Does that sound like the kind of heartache you want, or that you want to cause?

So if dying to self sounds like something you want, the obvious question is “How do I do this?”

Jesus said to anyone who comes after Him “…let him deny himself…” (Mat 16:24, Mar 8:34, Luke 9:23).  Practice in self-denial will help us to build the emotional muscle that allows us to work on our own selfishness.  In my experience a lack of self-discipline in one area of life tends to bleed over into other areas.  But likewise, practice of discipline in one area of life tends to equip me for discipline in other areas.  It might be one of the reasons fasting has been a practice of Christ-followers throughout the centuries.  Denying a legitimate physical desire in one area of our life can give us greater resolve in other areas. 

But more importantly than this, in each of the three gospels referenced above, Jesus makes self-denial and “…tak[ing] up his cross…” a condition of discipleship.  Paul tells the Corinthian church the same thing in 2Co 5:15”so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died…”  This is a pointed directive from Jesus: if we claim to be one of his followers we must be in the process of no longer living only for ourselves.  So if people close to you would characterize you as selfish, ask yourself if you’re really following Jesus.  And if you  have a pattern of choosing selfishness, it may shed so light on why your close relationships are in trouble.

A couple of other thoughts about this.  First, in an abusive relationship, one person may be choosing selflessness but the other accuses them of being selfish.  Outside perspective can be really helpful in these situations.  Second, cross bearing speaks of enduring hardship, trial or pain.  Just like in Christian discipleship, the person who marries for life must expect to have to deny themselves sometimes.  But note: if you have left an abusive relationship please don’t take guilt from anything I wrote above!!!

One final comment:

I knew a couple who had gone through the death of their two-year-old son.  Statistics for couples experiencing this kind of trauma are not good.  Divorce rates can be up to 8 times the norm according to one study.  But observing this couple one day when we visited their church, it was easy to see that they loved each other.  I asked the husband how they had beat the odds and his advice was priceless.  “You just can’t be selfish” he replied.  

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